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The Slow and the Even-Tempered/Script
is in the driver's seat of a bus. Girl: "Can we say 'hey bus driver, speed up a little bit?'" Jen: the rearview mirror "As soon as the bus gets rolling!" Coach Hanson: "Don't forget to load up the equipment bags, Jen." Jen: dreamily "The what?" back to reality "Oh, right! Sure thing, Coach Handsome! I mean, Coach Hanson!" gets off the bus. On the way to the back, she passes Coach Hanson. Coach Hanson: "You've got your driver's license, right?" Jen: "Sure thing, coach!" herself as she gets the bags "A learner's permit is practically a license." picks up the bags. As she does, the bus starts rolling backwards. Girls on bus: "Hey bus driver, speed up a little bit, speed up a little bit, speed up a little bit!" looks up and notices the bus is missing. Jen: "That's weird. I thought I left the–" her, the bus crashes into something, and a hubcap goes rolling past her. Jen: "...van...here." awakens. She has been sleeping on the job. Jen: "I am so going to fail my driving test again." ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''The Slow and the Even-Tempered' ---- ''of the gang is at the table. Wyatt arrives, wearing an aviator jacket. Caitlin notices. Caitlin: "Someone's outfit-challenged today." Jude: "Seriously, dude. 1985 called. They want their jacket back." Wyatt: "What's wrong with it?" Caitlin: "Wyatt, it's old. Retro is so yesterday." Nikki: "She says, without a hint of irony." Caitlin: "They have a sale at my favorite guy store this week. I could take you." Wyatt: angry "I don't want a new one. This is my lucky jacket! I was wearing this jacket when I won that songwriting contest last year, and when I got on the Great 9 National Debate Team!" Jonesy: "Yeah, I wouldn't advertise that one, buddy." Wyatt: "I'm telling you, this jacket is lucky." Jude: "Ah, Lady Luck. The most elusive Betty of them all." Jonesy: "Okay, let me touch it then. I need a new job." rubs the jacket. Caitlin: "What happened to your job at the Nothing-Over-A-Dollar store?" Jonesy: "Bad vibe, no chicks, just old ladies looking for a deal." to rub the sleeve "C'mon, lucky jacket!" Wyatt: his arm away "Quit it! You're gonna rub a hole in it!" Nikki: mocking "Yeah, don't 'ruin' it!" Caitlin: "There's no such thing as luck. I wore my lucky bra to my last bio test, and I totally flunked!" Jen: "Maybe if you studied, you'd have been more 'lucky.' I heard Ron the Rent-a-Cop is looking for an assistant security guard." Jonesy: "Yes!" realizing "No! Ah! I dunno, man." Nikki: "Could you imagine Jonesy as mall security? The only thing arresting about him is his breath." Jonesy: offended "What? You think I couldn't do it?" up "There is no job in this mall that I can't do. The next time you see me, I'll be running this joint." storms off as his friends laugh behind his back. ---- is posing a mannequin while reading the driver's manual. Jen: appropriate hand signals "Right! Left!" the dummy's fist "Get off the road, you idiot!" giggles. Coach Halder: "Masterson!" snaps to attention. "Why is that guy picking his nose?" looks at the mannequin. She has indeed left it picking its nose. Jen: "Um..." Coach Halder: "Forget that for a minute. I need you to go buy me lunch." away "Surprise me. Nothing spicy, though." Jen: "Sure thing, Coach." ---- walks up to Stick It, still reading the manual. Jude: "Hey Jen. Hungry?" Jen: "I have to buy lunch for Coach Halder." Jude: "How about Five-Alarm Barbeque stick-its?" Jen: paying attention "Sure, whatever." Jude: "So, do you know the ending? Who did it?" Jen: "Jude, it's a driver's manual." Jude: "So the chauffeur probably did it." Jen: "I'm studying for my driver's license. But I don't know why I'm even bothering. There's no way I'm going to get it." Jude: "How come?" Jen: despondent "I think I'm gonna crash." Jude: "Nah, you'll be fine." Jen: "No offense, but you don't know what it's like to crash a vehicle." Jude: "Oh, I know about crashing, dude. That gross feeling in the pit of your stomach? The screech of tires? That final sickening crunch of metal against wood?" Jen: scared "Yes! Yes, it's so awful!" Jude: "If you want I could give you driving lessons." Jen: "Why? What makes you such an expert?" pulls out his wallet and shows off a license to Jen. Jen: surprised "They let you drive?" Jude: "I am a most impressive driver. I can make you equally as skilled." Jen: "I need all the help I can get!" ---- walks up to the security office and opens the door. Looking inside, he sees Ron polishing a medal. Ron looks up. Ron: "What do you want?" Jonesy: "I heard you were looking for–um–ahem–assistant?" Ron: Jonesy's face "Do you think you've got what it takes, punk? Do you?" Jonesy: scared "Yes sir!" Ron: "Alright maggot. Let's see your stuff." ---- begins running tests on Jonesy. The first one is a treadmill. Jonesy calmly runs on it at a fast clip. When Ron checks his heart rate, however, Jonesy lets the facade slip and shows that he's getting winded. He quickly puts the face back on when Ron looks up only to slip and fall off the treadmill. The next thing Ron does is a lie detector test. Ron: "Have you ever been arrested?" Jonesy: "No." Ron: "Have you ever said a bad thing about a mall security officer?" Jonesy: "No." detector indicates a lie. Ron then tests his ability to notice violations with cardboard cutouts. The first one is an old lady walking along; Jonesy signals that it's good. Next comes a bald man on a bench. Jonesy: "No loitering!" next one is off the perpetually kissing couple Jason and Joanie. Jonesy: "Break it up you two!" ---- is looking over his notes on Jonesy while the bored boy sits next to him. Ron finishes with the notes. Ron: "Welcome to the force, kid." Jonesy: "Can I have a gun?" Ron: "No." Jonesy: "How about nunchucks?" Ron: up a uniform "You get this." Jonesy: "Yo I-I was thinking of working undercover?" Ron: "Yo. Wear the uniform." ---- and Jude are still at Stick It. Jude: "If I'm gonna teach you the way of the road, you're gonna have to trust me." Jen: "Okay." Jude: "It's my way or the highway." Jen: "Got it." Jude: "Actually, my way will also involve the highway, but you know what I mean. Let me see your manual." hands over the manual, and Jude flips through it. "Just as I thought." throws it into the trash. Jen: "But–" Jude: "What did I say?" sighs. "That's better. You've gotta get off book, it's all about making it real. Now, are you ready?" nods. "Good. Then follow me." leads her away. ---- exits the office in the uniform. He is immediately approached by Yummy Mummy. Yummy Mummy: "Excuse me? Security?" flirtatiously "Sorry to bother you. You're new here." sighing "I just love a man in uniform." moves close to him. Jonesy: "Whoa. T-thank–" his voice "–thank you." Yummy Mummy: "Could you tell me where Willows and Williams is?" Jonesy: "Well ma'am, you go down to the next level, and it's on your left." Yummy Mummy: his arm "Thank you so much." Jonesy: "You take care now." to himself "Oh yeah. Officer Mac Daddy's on the job." ---- and Jen arrive at the arcade. Jen: "I thought you were going to teach me to drive." Jude: "You can't just put an astronaut in the space shuttle and tell him to fly! You have to train them first, in a simulator." Jen: "But I'm not an astronaut." Jude: "No, you're an autonaut." her to a game "Welcome to High Speed Manslaughter! This will be your teacher. Go on, slip into the seat. Remember, the car and the road are an extension of you. You have to feel it." Jen: the driver's seat "Where's the horn?" Jude: "There's no horn! There's no AC! It's a video game!" a quarter "Ready?" Jen: "Ready." Jude: "Okay." the coin in and selecting a level "Let's go with my personal favorite, Death Toll Highway. Now, ease that bad boy out of first..." waits for Jen to comply. Instead, Jen keeps at her current rate, going at the speed of a snail covered in molasses made of wet cement. Game: fifteen seconds of this "Please speed up." Jude: mortified "I didn't know you could drive so slow in this game! You really suck at this." Jen: "What do you want? That old man with the walker just cut me off!" Jude: her shoulders "Just try to relax. The game is not just about driving, it's also about killing things." ---- is walking the mall. He comes upon a window and examines himself in it. Jonesy then poses before taking a bite of his donut. Jelly squirts out and lands on his chest pocket. He looks down. Jonesy: "I've been hit! Guh!" collapses to the floor. A girl in a blue sweater walks by, and Jonesy sits up. Jonesy: "You should be fined for looking so fine." ---- is chewing gum when Wyatt rushes up to the lemonade stand. Wyatt: "Cait. You haven't seen my lucky jacket, have you?" Caitlin: "Lucky jacket?" Wyatt: "You know, the one you guys were bugging me about this morning!" Caitlin: "This morning...you mean like, today?" Wyatt: "I lost it. I was sure I left it here!" Caitlin: shrugging "Hmm. Guess not." Wyatt: "Well, if you see it let me know." walks off. Caitlin: "Sure will." watches to make sure he's gone before reaching under the counter and pulling up the jacket. "This is for your own good, Wyatt. No one can carry off a jacket that bad." Nikki: her "Hey, what's up?" Caitlin: hiding the jacket "Nikki! Hi!" Nikki: "Isn't that Wyatt's lucky jacket?" Caitlin: "No! Well...it could be. Okay it is. I took it." Nikki: "Oh, did retro come back in? I must have missed the memo." Caitlin: "No, I took it to prove to Wyatt he doesn't need a lucky jacket. When he realizes he's not dependent on it like he thinks it is, he won't have to wear it anymore." Nikki: the air "Uh, is that a bad idea I smell?" Caitlin: "Oh no. It'll work." Nikki: "Yeah, we'll see. Wyatt has a big audition tonight for a gig. If he cracks, I guess you'll be wrong." gasps. "Do you see what I see?" Nikki sees is security officer Jonesy walking across the food court. Caitlin's bubble pops in shock. Jonesy: "Ladies." Caitlin: "Jonesy? I can't believe it." Jonesy: "Oh, believe it, baby." Nikki: "Jonesy's a bacon bit!" Jonesy: "That's a Retail Operations Enforcer to you." Caitlin "How about a free lemon stinger for your hard-working man of the law?" Nikki: "You can't get free stuff like that!" Jonesy: "Uh-huh." out his notepad and pen "Could I have your full name, miss?" ---- and Jen are still playing the game. Jen skids her car to a halt. Jude: "Aw, dude, what'd you stop for?" Jen: "There was a crosswalk." Jude: "You're supposed to go through them!" Game: "Mission failed! Mission failed!" Jen: "Hey look, I tied my high score." Jude: "Dude, that was pathetic!" Jen: "Hey! I got four points!" Jude: "The game's high score is 75,000. One-legged moms with strollers were passing you!" Jen: "I was just trying to be safe." Jude: "Safe? Would we have gone to Mars if all we tried to do was be safe? It's a proven fact that the reason drivers can't handle unsafe situations is because they don't practice driving in unsafe conditions at crazy speeds!" Jen: "Good point." Jude: "That's why they invented this game! To build a better unsafe driver and make the streets safer for you and me! This is your opportunity to get in touch with your inner driver! She's waiting to get out and to shift into overdrive! Embrace her!" Jen: "Let's go." starts the car and begins to actually play the game. ---- is at work in the Country section. Serena walks over to him. Serena: "You know Toby, works over in the Children and Comedy section?" Wyatt: "Yeah. Sure." Serena: "I just fired him. Can you cover his section until we get someone new?" Wyatt: "You mean run two sections?" Serena: "Yeah. Just take a short lunch." Wyatt: "But I was going to rehearse for my audition!" Serena: "Oh, well I guess today's not your lucky day then, huh?" Wyatt: his breath "Would've been if I had my lucky jacket." Cowboy: "You kin borrow mah lucky bull's tail!" Wyatt: "No thanks." ---- and Ron are lunching on tacos and soda in the food court. Jonesy: "Got any new leads in the case of the missing shopping buggy?" Ron: "No. I want you to see what the word is on the street." Wyatt: up to them "Jonesy. You got the job. With...Ron." Jonesy: "Looks like that's how it went down. Now if you don't mind, I'm busy keeping the peace." Wyatt: "...right." Jonesy: "What's got you creased?" Wyatt: sighing "My lucky jacket's gone." Ron: "You think someone might have stolen it, son?" Jonesy: "Trust me, no one would steal that jacket." Wyatt: Ron "I don't know." Ron: into his walkie-talkie "Hound Dog. Come in, Hound Dog." Jonesy: up "Hound Dog here." Ron: "Now, we have a possible 7-18 in progress." Jonesy: "I copy that, Smokey." ---- is driving crazily, a toy pistol in one hand, the wheel in the other. Game: "You missed me, sucker!" fires a round. "Aah! Oh!" Jude: chuckling "Awesome! Okay, jump the fence and shoot the android robo-cop!" Game: "May I see your license and registration!" fires. Jude: "Oh, you rocked him! Okay, now swerve around the nuclear way, and kill the skateboarding spider!" Jen: as commanded "Die, bug!" ---- Nikki and Wyatt are at the table. Wyatt looks rather morose. Wyatt: "It's no good. I'm gonna blow the audition tonight, I can feel it." Caitlin: "No! You're gonna do great!" Wyatt: "I have no time to rehearse now." Nikki: "Well then why are you sitting here?" Wyatt: "Because I've been looking for my lucky jacket! I have to find it!" Caitlin: "Wyatt, you don't need that gross old thing. It makes you look like a–a rolling stone. And look!" picks up a magazine. "The must-have jacket of the season is black leather!" Wyatt: "Don't you see? Things are starting to go bad and they're only gonna get worse! I gotta bounce." Nikki: "Going back to work?" Wyatt: up "Yeah. I have to order some more Peanut Butter and Jimmy CDs for the kids section. Seeya." leaves, and Jonesy passes the table. Caitlin smiles at him, then starts to talk to Nikki. Caitlin: "Do you see what's happening? Wyatt is making himself believe that he's going to fail the audition all because of that stupid ugly jacket!" Nikki: "Yep, looks that way." Caitlin: "I have to give it back. My whole plan is backfiring." Nikki: "Gee, ya think?" closes the Big Squeeze and goes off to look for Wyatt, jacket in hand. ---- walks his beat. He comes upon Yummy Mummy and Stanley, Stanley riding in a toy car ride. Suddenly, he realizes something, and goes back to confront them. Jonesy: "Hold on, I've got something for you." Stanley: riding "Wha-hoa!" pulls out his pad and pen and writes Yummy Mummy a ticket. Jonesy: "He's doing ten in a forty zone." Yummy Mummy: "But officer–" Jonesy: "Save it for the judge, ma'am." ---- mall cops then go on a rampage. It starts when Jonesy boots two elderly people off of a bench for loitering– Jonesy: "Keep it moving." to sit there himself, and continues when he and Ron grab a punkish teen, toss him into the photo booth, and proceed to take photos of them taunting him. The duo then grab the pictures and giggle as the punk runs off. Ron: chase "Yo!" ---- and Jen are still playing. Now a small crowd of gamers has gathered around them. Jude: "Back up, dudes, she's about to hit seventy-five thou! Give the lady some room!" breaks the barrier. "Seventy-five thousand two hundred!" Game: "Complete annihilation of the Death Toll Highway achieved!" gamers cheer. Jude: "You did it! Awesome!" stands up. "You've got the gift, my friend." and Jen hi-five. Suddenly, a whistle bleats at the front of the arcade. Everyone turns and sees a security guard. Jonesy: "Break it up in here, this is a fire hazard. That's right, everybody out." crowd groans and begins to leave. Jude: "Whoa, that security dude looks totally like Jonesy." Jen: "That security dude is Jonesy." Jude: "No way." Jonesy: up to them "Hi Jude, hi Jen." plops down in High Speed Manslaughter. Jen: "Tell me you aren't working with the enemy." Jonesy: "Can't talk now, I'm on duty." plops some coins in. Jude: "Do the rent-a-cops have keys for stuff in the mall?" Jonesy: "Uh-huh." Jude: "Even, like, say, keys for the display car in the atrium?" Jonesy: paying attention "Uh-huh." Jude: "Could I see them for a sec?" Jonesy: particularly caring "Sure." tosses Jude his keyring. Jude: Jen "You're ready. It's time for an in-car lesson." drops Jonesy's keys into her hand. ---- walks through Spin This. She comes across Serena. Caitlin: "Yeah, I'm looking for Wyatt." Serena: "He hasn't come back from his break." Caitlin: "Really? I have his jacket." Serena: "Oh, here, I'll give it to him." tries to take the jacket. Caitlin: "Oh, no, that's okay. Uh, I need to–go." takes off. Serena rolls her eyes. ---- Caitlin: Nikki "Nikki? It's me. Wyatt never came back from his break. I need your help." ---- and Jen walk past the fountain towards a sports car perched on a pedestal. Jude: "The V-Tag G6000." Jen: "We can't drive this." Jude: "Why not?" Jen: "It's a brand-new car." Jude: "I know. That's why you should drive it. It has nobody else's car karma on it. You start clean." Jen: at it "This is a really expensive car." Jude: "Expensive, yet free." unhooks the velvet rope. "Your chariot awaits." climbs the ramp to the car. Wyatt is sitting by the fountain, casting pennies into it. Wyatt: "I wish I could find my jacket. I wish I could find my jacket." ---- and Nikki meet on the escalators. Caitlin is going down, Nikki is going up. Caitlin: "He's not at Grind Me." Nikki: "He's not in the food court." Caitlin: "You take the upper level, I'll take the lower." Nikki: "Okay." Caitlin: back up the platform "What?" Nikki: down towards her "What?" up "Oh. I said okay." Caitlin: "Oh. Okay." two continue the search for Wyatt. ---- and Jude are seated in the car. Jude: deeply "Oh yeah. Smell that. It's a new car. That's good stuff." Jen: sniffing "Yeah. I guess." Jude: poetic "Real wood trim on leather dash! Digital console! And the rug!" gets down and feels it. "So soft!" Jen: "Jude, do you want me to leave you alone for a while?" Jude: "Sorry. We've got some driving to do. Now, adjust your mirrors–" complies "–adjust the seat–" does so "–and crank up the tunage." ---- is on the phone with Nikki. Caitlin: "No sign of him." spots Wyatt. "Wyatt!" Nikki "Nikki, I found him, he's over at the fountain!" shopping "Ooh, that's a cute coat." Nikki: "Caitlin, this is not the time for shopping!" Caitlin: sighing "I know." up "Wyatt! Wyatt, there you are! Do not move, I have something for you!" gets up. As he does, he accidentally rips the headphone jack out of his portable CD player, and the player falls into the fountain. Wyatt sighs. ---- the car, Jude and Jen hi-five. Jen puts it into gear and stomps on the accelerator. The car flies backwards. Wyatt meanwhile bends over to retrieve his CD player, and the car flies through the space where his head was moments ago. He looks up just in time to be hit with a gigantic wave of water. The expensive car is now sitting in the middle of the fountain. Little Girl: "Wow." stares through the windshield, shell-shocked. Jude heaves himself up. Jude: "That was reverse." and Nikki rush up to Wyatt. Caitlin: "Wyatt!" Nikki and Caitlin: "Are you okay?" Wyatt: "No, I'm not okay. My lucky jacket's gone, my Discman's toast, I'm soaking wet, and my audition's in twenty minutes!" Caitlin: "You ducked just in time!" Nikki: "That car just flew right over your head. You should be dead right now." Caitlin: "You are so lucky. And you didn't even have your jacket!" holds it out. Wyatt gasps, takes it, and grins. "Which I...just found!" hugs it. "It's dry." and Ron come up behind the three. Jonesy: "That was the coolest thing I have ever seen." Ron: "That's it. You're fired." Jonesy: shocked "Fired? What for?" Ron: "There's a car in the fountain." Jonesy: "So? What's that got to do with me?" Jude: him "Here's the keys back, dude. Sweet ride. Reverse is a little jumpy, though. You might want to look into that." grins sheepishly. Ron: "I'll have your security belt back." hands it over. "I'll have your hat back." takes it off. "I'll have your uniform back." Jonesy: "Hey!" Ron: "Now, soldier, now!" removes his uniform. Jude: chuckling "Dude." ---- plays guitar and sings at the coffeehouse. Wyatt: "Lady luck, lady luck/I have to wonder where you are tonight/I guess I'm gonna wish upon a star/Lady luck/Oh won't you be my lady luck" song is greeted with cheers. Caitlin: "You sounded great, Wyatt." Wyatt: "Thanks." Caitlin: "See? You don't need that ugly old jacket! You're great all on your own!" Wyatt: "Yeah." Caitlin: Jen "Gone back to reading your driver's manual?" Jen: "Yeah. I realized there's no insurance break for taking lessons with Jude. In fact, it's kinda the opposite." Nikki: a despondent Jonesy "Hey, cheer up, Jonesy." Jonesy: chips "I can't believe Ron made me take off my uniform right in the middle of the mall." Wyatt: "No one even noticed." Nikki: "Speak for yourself. That was even scarier than the car crashing into the fountain." Jonesy: "C'mon, tell the truth. You were into me in that uniform." Nikki: "Yes, Jonesy, I was so turned on I could barely contain myself. Pass the chips." tosses them at her face. Jonesy: "You wish you could be so lucky." Jude: "Look out, dudes, coming through!" rides by on a motorized scooter. "Check it out. You know that car they were raffling off?" Nikki: "You mean the one you drowned?" Jude: "Yeah, well, I entered the draw, and won second prize. A power scooter!" Caitlin: "You're so lucky! I love those!" Jude: "I know! I never win anything! You should see how it match–" taps him on the shoulder. Ron: "No speeding in the mall, son. I'll take that." steals Jude's scooter. Jude: "Aw, man!" Category:Season 1